Dear Body
Written by Charlie O, he/him/his, 21
Trigger Warning: Self harm, body dysmorphia/dysphoria, chronic illness.
Dear Body,
I’m sorry.
Sorry this is the way it ends. Sorry I had to cut you away in order to transcend.
But we’re just too different
You’re ignorant of my intentions, I neglect your needs
I can’t please us both and you’re not what I thought you’d be
I remember the first time I saw you.
5th grade recess, I was inside, playing chess
Probably cause I’d just come back from hospital,
Stomach full of gauze, feeling like the crumpled gloves they threw away by my bed
And when I looked at the glass, outside to my friends
Instead I saw you.
You were not deflated, or worn out, emaciated, or sullen
You were full and round, and I was captivated.
I was captive.
I couldn’t make a sound, spellbound by this person I had barely seen
Now living around me
From then your influence only grew
We never had love, but I knew there was lust.
Perfection or bust.
I was willing to commit, but you had to adjust.
I couldn’t change people’s thoughts,
So I thought I’d change my size
Convince them I have confidence, drink in the compliments
If people ask questions, just look surprised
I mean why would I share my burden with others?
It’s not theirs to bear,
Doesn’t matter,
Besides,
I’ll lighten the load so they won’t even bother.
For a while we fed off one another
And it was a violent survival.
Before I could realize what I’d done we were left
An exquisite corpse from bits of magazines and my best guess
But I wasn’t happy. And you were not healthy.
So I asked you to help me
We took it apart in order to start fresh
I tried to find body peace in the bloody pieces
But the thing is we can’t write a treaty when the thesis is built on secrets
And lies
Intolerance in disguise
So the loathing within marches forward without me
Bearings held, it’s propelled beyond reach
Compelled by those that preach acceptance
When what they mean is don’t question us
They say everyone’s beautiful
But when they see you, they’re not as sure
Because this body, ended up
A Frankenstein made of you and me
And the truth is that this obsession of mine was just an excuse
To hide a bigger issue, That I hate what people think of you.
But we can’t just part ways
Believe me, I’d astral project to the next plane,
Or transfer my consciousness into a drone
But physics exists,
So we’ve got to persist
No one can do it for us
But we don’t have to do it alone
See, when I was little
I used to ask about love
And my friends would all say that love is a feeling
Freeing and fleeting, founded in just being with each other
But my grandmother, she said it’s something tougher.
She told me, love is a choice.
You wake up in the morning, put on your shoes, and choose love.
You watch the clouds forming, hoping they break up and you choose love.
You come home soaking, and take his breakfast milk out from your coat
Because before he even knows there’s rain you chose love.
And the next day you’ll do it all over again.
So maybe I won’t ever feel like we fit.
Some days, I might get sick of the ups and downs,
And I don’t like when you change shit around
But we’ll get through it
Because I’m not sorry I choose you,
Love, Charlie
