Affirmation Through Recovery

Written by Elliot Jozy Dillow (they/them)

I am in recovery from an eating disorder. I am also recovering from top surgery. If you told me at the start of this year that all this would happen by July, I would have said, “No way.” In January, I was sicker than I had ever been. I was about to enter residential treatment, dreaming of the far-off day when I could get gender affirming surgery. Now, here I am, having reached a place of recovery from my eating disorder and having gotten the surgery I wanted, needed, and deserved.

What I want to tell any trans person with an eating disorder is that recovery is worth the fight. It is possible to get to a place where you can access surgery. The process of reaching for your dreams is every bit as wonderful as you might imagine. 

I am not here to tell you that eating disorder treatment is easy. However, it is worth all the discomfort, hardship, and inconvenience. It changed my life, and for that I am forever grateful. I went in for my latest round of treatment in January. (I am not embarrassed to say this was not my first time in treatment. Relapses happen.) I was already out as non-binary, and I knew that being affirmed in my identity was essential to getting the most out of my treatment experience. I was not going to recover without this affirmation. You could say that my life depended on it. I was fortunate enough to have wonderfully affirming experiences at both my residential and day treatment levels of care. Because of that, I was able to focus on recovery. It was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

One fortunate occurrence led to another. Because of my solid work in ED recovery, I was cleared to undergo top surgery. It turns out, the people at the treatment centers who told me they were on my side and wanted to see me get the surgery I needed were ACTUALLY ON MY SIDE all along! Who knew? I sometimes feel alone as a transgender person. Other times, I realize that I am not alone. There are people looking out for me, helping me, and hoping for all my dreams to come true. 

Now that I have had top surgery, I am here to say, it lives up to the hype. My body is mine. My body is home. I have never felt as in sync with it as I do now. I have also never felt this free, and I have never felt so much joy being me. My eating disorder recovery is what gave me this opportunity. If you asked me, “What is the best gift you have ever given yourself?” it’s a tie! The best gifts I have given myself are seeking treatment for my ED and getting top surgery. Both of these decisions show respect for my trans identity and my body. They also make me proud of who I am.